no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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