i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
