I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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