so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
