i already hear my dad disowning me
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
and you fell through a lawn chair
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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