if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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