I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
