You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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