Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
