my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
