oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
