Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
