watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
