She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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