Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
