Even the bartender felt bad for me
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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