I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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