she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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