can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
