I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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