There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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