Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
