How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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