walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
