yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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