apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
