awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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