if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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