Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
