We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
