Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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