Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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