I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
