I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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