im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
