her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
