i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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