Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
