Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
