He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
