I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
