A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
