in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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