Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
