god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
