my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
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