Can i not drive my cunt home
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Randomize
