you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
