when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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