mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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