I'm going to rape someone's good day.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
