just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
