I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
